All of us dream of happiness and not a secret that for many it is connected with darling. To be exact, with an ideal of darling who looks for each of us. But it is sometimes not so simple to find it, after all all of us such different therefore we meet and leave and sometimes not once. And, perhaps, each of you will agree that parting it is very unpleasant and sick, as for the initiator, and for this purpose who is thrown. And often for many it becomes pain of all life. Why so occurs? One leave easily, and others are capable even to finish themselves because of a rupture of the relations?
In this article Mirsovetov suggests you to talk how it is correct to leave not to suffer for the rest of the life, and to enjoy those new prospects and opportunities which before you open.
The reasons of partings Not everything equally seriously belong to the relations. One get the relations with boredom if only not to be to one, others – is sincere, all heart, fall in love and do not imagine life without darling. There are also those who started meeting only for the sexual relations, and also such which meet simply because it is only as it seems to them, the person who paid to them attention.
As you can see, how many people, are so much and situations. But all are united by one – from the person, as a rule, something is necessary for us. We want that we were loved, cared, contained financially, prepared and tidied up in the house that was with whom to descend on a disco, at cinema and theater that the person could satisfy our sexual requirements, etc. Each person has the set of such expectations with which it allocates the ideal. Add to it physical data (someone likes blondes with blue eyes, to someone brunettes) and all this set we try on every time on our new acquaintance. And depending on that, coincides though something or not, we decide either to begin the relations, or to stop them if we see that the person, the further we recognize him, the less he starts corresponding to our ideal. And sometimes, to start meeting, there is enough only coincidence of physical parameters that occurs most often. Therefore when the person satisfies the physical requirements and more from his ideal in the partner does not see anything, there is a desire to begin new searches.
Of course, it would be very good that you not simply left and again went to look for the same rake, and analysed the relations. Try to understand, what your set of expectations from the person or as it is accepted to speak, your ideal. Analyse that was not so in these relations, perhaps, you in the ideal will correct something. Well and, of course, if you look for the stable relations, you have to understand accurately that if you begin the relations only because your partner corresponds only physically to your ideal (it is beautiful and sexual, or it has smart feet), they, most likely, will end soon as soon as you play enough physical proximity.
If you the initiator of parting When parting is most difficult for your second half. She, as a rule, suspects nothing, makes plans for the future, especially it is peculiar to girls, and you so unexpectedly "we should leave the" – as a knife on heart. You were already prepared, and here to the person, especially, if he really loves, happens very painfully.
First, properly consider your decision. You should not use parting as manipulation to force the person something to understand. Very often people meet and it seems everything is normal, but the person cannot tell that something does not suit him, or speaks as if accidentally, and him do not hear, and then he chooses parting as the only means to be heard. It not the most successful way. If you feel that the discontent increased, Mirsovetov advises first of all to talk to the partner. Ask it to treat that you now will tell, very seriously. Can even afford a few emotions. If all attempts did not help to speak, and your second half persistently does not want to see the mistakes, your right – can leave. And sometimes and parting happens for nothing, and the person does not see where he is not right, and for everything blames you. But nevertheless, if the partner loves you, yours "we should leave" quite "will make sober" him and will force to listen. But once again we speak, these should not be fond. The problem needs to be solved, but not to run away from it.
Also it is not necessary for such conversation to invite the partner in club or cafe. The person suspects nothing and is in high spirits therefore news about parting will be even more sick, besides it is publicly difficult to express the emotions. A phone conversation – too not the best means. Invite the person to walk on fresh air in a poorly populated place or thrust to it on a visit (can call on a visit to yourself).
If you were thrown First, dare to cry. Try not to constrain feelings and state to the partner everything that at you became painful, all offenses, questions, everything that to you it is unclear. Only it is not necessary to fall to humiliation or, as they say, "to throw mud". Discuss all moments and the reasons of parting. Try to admit at least to yourself, whether is in about what the partner, however, speaks or you do not understand that he means.
Remember, that threw you, there is nothing terrible, if to you as early as 13-18 years. At such age of people is not able to love really yet (wise adult love) and enters into the relations because of different attachments, especially physical, well and, of course, not to lag behind contemporaries. Therefore how you will treat this parting, depends in many respects your further relations. If your attachment is so strong that you cannot find to yourself a place and you do not want to live is only temporary. Just such manifestation also says that the love here and is not present. Because if you love, to you it is good! From love cannot badly be. If to you it is bad, sick, love here at anything, your ideal world which you to yourself drew simply collapsed, having put on pink glasses. It is quite possible that you allocated the person with those qualities which he does not possess at all, and expected from him, respectively, that, on what he is not capable or it in general is not peculiar to him. Or you cannot cope with your fears and complexes in any way. Therefore Mirsovetov recommends to analyse attentively the relations and to think why so occurred, and that you need to change in yourself or in the idea of "ideal" to be happier. What happiness for you? Your expectations from the ideal partner – whether has all this relation fortunately? If to you it is important that the partner had a lot of money, the car, the apartment, it not indicators of happiness, after all happiness, as it is known – in Soul, and material things have only indirect relation to soul.
Unfortunately, not always it turns out to leave ideally. Most often, we in a rush of anger or offense are capable to tell a lot of humiliating (for example: "Yes you look at yourself, you thick as a pig!", "Yes you are not a man, you in sex can do nothing", etc.) putting to the person who was called darling, serious spiritual wounds five minutes ago. And, unfortunately, if at you and so underestimated self-assessment and you are still too young, you can quite take everything for the truth, and will think that so it also is, both to suffer, and to avoid people, and especially to refuse the new relations. Please, do not forget that such phrases speak specially to strike more painfully, and they, as a rule, have no relation to reality. That was not pleasant to one, will be pleasant to another. It is not necessary to estimate himself, proceeding from someone else's words. Can ask at the relatives that they will tell on the fact that to you told. And there will already draw conclusions. Perhaps and, however, is what to change, only we now not about plastic surgeries speak, and changing internally, to get rid of some qualities.
It is good when both persons are adequate and emotionally steady. Talked, left and further continue to live. But after all people are the different. Is also such which start thinking of a suicide. This is already serious. "I was 21 years old, but I had no normal relations yet. I considered myself ugly, and if it is honest, in general the ugly creature because of what 2 years stayed in the deepest depression with desire to take courage and to commit suicide. I always liked the man's ideal, so to say, the east sports type owning martial arts with long hair (well, if approximately – a la Steven Seagal). And once I was acquainted with the guy who just possesses such external data unless the short hairstyle and plays the guitar (and I too very much love it). When I its first time saw, my chill on a back ran, well, fell in love.
We began to communicate. It was visible that I am pleasant to it. And here we started meeting. Couple of days without sex – and it already in a bed with another. Oh, I also narevetsya with it. I saw that in it there are high qualities, and all it seemed to me that here me it will concern differently, than other girls, but alas. When once I took courage and made a declaration of love to it, in reply heard: "You know, for me the girl – as a piece of meat, otymet and threw out on a garbage can". Horror! I went home without feeling the earth under feet.
And, at last, reached me that I love not it, and his appearance, his smile, a voice. They coincided with my idea of an ideal, and I fell in love, and that at it inside, in soul, and did not look also to me and it was not interesting, I allocated it with the qualities inherent in the ideal, and that it in general does not possess them actually, refused to notice.
I stopped our relations, told that we too different and me other man is necessary absolutely. I continued to meet men, and here now I am married and I have a beautiful kid. My husband is far from my physical ideal (practically the blonde with blue eyes), but I too love it. I love, but it is not attached. And an ideal as something unreal, and remained unrealized in my heart. And, perhaps, remains to that forever that does not prevent me to exist the happiest". Really, we most often love not the living person, but an image which to themselves was created and tried to drive the living person in this image. Alas, it will turn out nothing. Yes, it is more difficult to love the living person because each of us has shortcomings. And the ideal has no shortcomings: what are we fools, perhaps, to allocate an ideal also with shortcomings?! And in it our main mistake! Because it is necessary for to discuss those qualities which not really are pleasant to you but to which you could reconcile. It will help to concern to the person with the smallest claims.
As it is correct to leave Further Mirsovetov offers you some simple rules which can help you your parting from a nightmare to turn into simple inevitability which will be much easier to be accepted.
Rule 1. We make use of the experience. If parting for you for the first time and you the initiator, can pass at once to the rule 2, but, most likely, you already have an experience when the phrase "let's leave" it was necessary to hear also to you. Remember the reaction, what feelings and emotions you visited as to you it was sick and bad. Also present that the person will feel the same. Therefore try to tell about it in more suitable situation, it is rather soft and be ready to encourage the person. Everything, of course, depends on, whether are going to remain you friends or do not want to communicate more at all.
If you cannot say directly to the person (hard to you, emotions disturb or in general are lost and for excitement cannot tell words) if you are afraid that the partner can react too emotionally, can write SMS or send the message to social nets. There you will be able quietly to consider all words and to tell everything that cannot tell at a meeting. At once apologize and explain that very much would like to meet and tell all this personally, but it will be very difficult for you. It is best of all after you discussed everything in a social net, after all to meet already finally to place all points over "i", but all this depending on a communication outcome. Perhaps, reaction will be such that you and should not meet. Also this way will suit what partner inadequate and very emotional and you are afraid for the life or that can hit you.
Being the initiator of parting, be ready to the most unexpected reactions of the person to your offer. Once again remember yourself, the feelings and in advance accept internally any reaction what silly or awful it was not (that is in advance forgive to the person his behavior and words). So to you it will be simpler most not to break emotionally. You will be able to watch the person and more adequately react or even to help him as are ready to everything.
If the phrase "we have to leave" it was necessary to hear to you, and you had an experience when you threw, remember that too it was hard for you to tell about it. Therefore allow the partner to explain quietly everything, it is not necessary to humiliate or snatch on him with the words "ah you are cattle", etc. Try to react quietly. And having already completely listened to the person, draw conclusions.
Rule 2. Be honest. Honesty opens any doors. And if you think up beautiful history why you should leave, the partner will surely feel your falseness. Be ready to that you will ask to admit fairly, what the reason. Therefore it is better to tell the truth at once. It is not obligatory to go deep into small details at all, but, believe, it will be much simpler to keep the normal relations after parting if between you there is no lie. Mirsovetov advises to speak all the offenses and discontent with the partner which collected at you. It can appear and so that all this empty, and, having blabbed out and having sorted out the relations, desire to leave will pass.
But, of course, as well as anyway, there are exceptions, and some people cannot tell the truth, differently they that is called "will dishevel" it to the whole world.
Rule 3. We ask forgiveness. Believe, always is, for what to ask forgiveness and here at least and that you decided to leave. Only it is necessary to do it sincerely, and it is desirable to tell accurately for what ask forgiveness. It will say that you considered and reconsidered the relations, a lot of things understood therefore when the partner asks forgiveness, it softens reaction. Besides, the sincere forgiveness releases freight from Soul and allows the person to go on life with ease forward. Ask and farewell irrespective of, you decided to leave or you.
Rule 4. Thank. How there were your relations, find in yourself courage to thank the person for all that good that between you was. Perhaps and that thanking this person you understood who is actually necessary to you in life and met him. So too happens. Gratitude – great force, it will allow you to keep a positive spirit, but not to fall to negative emotions.
Rule 5. Give vent to the emotions. If to you it is bad, it is better not to keep it in itself. Our emotions have very strong effect on all organism, and negative have destructive character therefore they should give vent. Best of all – tears. They very well help. Can invite the friend or the girlfriend and "to be cried in a vest". Only be not fond of pity to yourself poor and unfortunate. Otherwise it can be tightened. If your girlfriend maintains your relation to the partner that here he such syaky the bastard, is better to find that which will be able to look at the relations from the party and is real to see who from you is guilty and will help you to stop being engaged in self-flagellation and charge of partners, and will help to find forces to live further. That is pozitivshchitsa and optimist.
Rule 6. Allow it to leave. If you cannot accept parting as need and all the time run for the partner, you only anger him, and then precisely any normal relations after parting. It is not necessary to be humiliated. Allow it to occur. Believe that everything in your life occurs to the best. Time you left, so the new person will come to your life and will make you happier. Very often we try to hold the person not so necessary to us because simply we are afraid to remain one.
Rule 7. It is impossible to forget – it is possible to switch attention. How it is often possible to hear "We left, but I cannot forget it in any way, what to do to me?". Properties of memory are that that we very well remember those events which have bright emotional coloring. Not important, positive or negative. And the fresher these emotions, the better and more long they are remembered. If in your life there are not enough situations which are brightly painted or there are they very seldom, or as option, most often there are positive situations, and this is very negative, or on the contrary, of course, you will remember it very well and long to hold it. To come back and back in thoughts, to savor, discuss and so every day. If your life is not filled with something interesting, this great event for your brain. Shock therapy. Even if this very good event, all the same sometimes you are tired because that you cannot switch to something another, and you cannot sleep, energy of this situation seizes you.
Let's review a small example. You go to shop of times a month to buy candies. And here, once, very bad candies with worms and a mold come across to you. You are revolted, disappointed, you in anger. Tell all the acquaintances and friends about this purchase and about shop where it was bought. And so whole month. Cannot forget in any way. Buying next time, all of you under impression and already buy carefully as still remember. And so from month to month. And once you bought very tasty candies. Directly you will lick fingers. And now extol these candies all the native. And about worms start forgetting a little, to be exact, you remember pictures, but emotions (anger, indignation, etc.) slowly leave. And on it at you about half a year left. And now we will consider a similar case, but, let us assume, you buy candies in a month more than once, and every day. And here the same mold, you are also revolted, to all told, in couple of days very tasty candies, in couple of days disgusting, etc. got to you. And less than in a week you already almost also do not remember that nearly swallowed not so long ago a worm. And especially do not test those emotions. Tell, there is a difference – half a year or week? Of course, is!
And now imagine the same and with the person. People, whose life is filled with bright paints, well or emotions, and it is not important, good or bad, switch to something new much quicker and forget about old, than people a little emotional, reserved which lead a boring monotonous life. It is especially difficult to such people to switch the attention to something another as this "something" occurs oh as it is rare, and at some and in general once in life. The conclusion is simple: you will not manage to forget. But you can deprive these negative memoirs of emotions, having forced out their new bright, and better the positive emotions equal or surpassing those in force. Look at those who after parting started drinking or has a ball (changes partners as gloves). Now you know why they do it. They unconsciously look for those emotions and impressions which will help to be forgotten. But, alas, alcohol here not the assistant, and empty change of partners, maybe, will also help if you once, dare to fall in love again. That is, if to you it is bad at heart or you cannot forget this situation in any way, urgently look for emotions and bright impressions. It can be active recreation with friends where you never were, either parachute jump, or a trip the abroad with the excursion program. Of course, many readers Mirsovetov now will tell that supposedly when it is bad, it there is no wish for anything. Let you will always have in memory scales, where on one bowl week, on another – half a year, and sometimes and all life. For you nobody will make a choice. Want to lower the life, as they say, in a toilet bowl, your right, but it is better not to refuse offers and the help of friends. Believe, it will help. It is only necessary to get it together.
Rule 8. Help themselves not to remember. The photo of the person is all the same that he. And sometimes looking at it, we as though meet the person again and again. And after all often it is very painful. Means, all photos need to be cleaned. It is not obligatory to destroy at all though sometimes it appears the only exit. Clean all gifts, everything that connects you. It can be the general song, the general movie, etc. Of course, you will not get rid of everything, but whenever possible, that causes the greatest emotions, it is better to clean for a while.
Rule 9. The same river not to enter twice. You left, but still hope for restoration of the relations because love. This your right. But you have to understand that, most likely, already it will turn out nothing. If you precisely know the reasons for which you ceased to arrange as the partner (for example, you grew plump), of course, you can do everything possible, that from this reason to get rid. But not the fact that the relations will renew. Most often, if the man leaves the woman because she ceased to look after herself, and the woman solved it to return, to grow thin, replace a hairdress and clothes, it can help. But only, as a rule, such woman has many other admirers, and it can quite appear that you will not become necessary to her any more. In total individually, is also cases when the person changes for the better and the relations renew. But they never become as before, and it already absolutely other, new relations.
Rule 10. Accept everything as is and trust in destiny. Acceptance of a situation, but not fight against it is the best that you can make. You that energy which could be spent for fight, can direct on creation of the new relations.
Heavy parting Is also such situations when it is not enough these rules. We will talk about them below.
Situation 1. You want to leave, but know that your partner is inclined to a suicide. You cannot continue more the relations which became obsolete for a long time, but are afraid that the partner can make something with himself. How to be? Of course, it is very difficult to advise something in this situation. But anyway, whatever occurred, you are not guilty. It is best of all to tell about it, when the person of the house not one. It can be the best friend / girlfriend who will agree to stay overnight with your partner, or relatives. You, in return, can make everything to tell the person about parting softly, correctly, without humiliating and without offending, and, on the contrary, with gratitude, compliments and encouragement. But if reaction is nevertheless as you also assumed, try to accept it and patiently explain to the person that a suicide – not an exit. Try to leave it in such state that you were sure that everything is good. But once again we will repeat, here to predict very difficult. Of course, better to say all at personal meeting, only if not an aggressor and you are not afraid of people also for the life.
Situation 2. The partner is very selfish and jealous. And you are sure that he will threaten you with revenge or even will beat you, being not able to control the emotions. If you know that your partner from such, will be better for one not to go (especially, if you the girl). Take with yourself still somebody. And it is better to carry out conversation not in its territory, and in a populous place, for example, on the street, there, if that, will help. Or write SMS or the message through a social net. Well and as an extreme case, you can include record of video or a dictophone on phone that your conversation was written down. It can appear that record is useful then in militia.
Situation 3. You the person very emotional and also are capable to strike or rush, tell mucks in a rush of anger and to humiliate. And all this "hogwash" apropos "forgive" you, "be grateful" and to volume similar it is uninteresting. Well, then we can tell one: "That will seed, will reap", – remember it. For you just the, probably, safest option is SMS or a social net. Or nevertheless to take courage and to tell the person and if feel that the return reaction such is that you start "beginning to boil", be simply developed and leave not to aggravate a situation.
Well, here, perhaps, and all. Of course, all situations are individual, but Mirsovetov very much hopes that this article will help you, and you, having armed with our recommendations, will consult, and parting will become for you only a stupenechka in a new wonderful life. Good luck! a showdown, love, the relations to endure parting, the parting reasons, parting, happiness